The Italian Job: The Only Thing It Fails To Steal Is The Show.

The Italian Job: LA Heist (2003) Dir - F. Gary Gray.

With everyone from granddads to grandkids from the last thirty years having at least attempted to perfect their impersonation of Michael Caine's famous line, the original Italian Job is deservedly a legend amongst classics. With the original Austin minis, the ‘Self Preservation Society,’ Michael Caine’s unique cockney charm and of course, ‘you’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!’ The Italian Job was an icon of the English; a sign that we still ‘had it’ and that, despite it all, America was still just the new kid on the block.

Perhaps that’s why an American decided to remake it.

I will openly admit that when I first sat down to watch this movie, I went in to it biased with all the above points littering my mind. I found it hard to believe that someone had decided it was a good idea to ‘remake’ such a well-known and highly regarded movie and that it was destined for failure. Oddly enough, lo and behold! I was right.

Felix Gary Gray, who I refuse to call by the letter ‘F’ as he wishes us all to adhere to, is not actually a bad director - sure, his filmography may be 95% rap star biographies, but he showed his skill and intelligence in Law Abiding Citizen; a brilliant movie with a fantastic plot and driving point. Even The Negotiator will comfortably stand up to most critics. Why then, did he decide to forget all that and make LA Heist?

My main issue with this movie is the clarity with which it’s shown. Through all the trailers and throughout the film, Gray fails to make it clear - or even address - whether the Charlie Croker of his film is the same Charlie who was left hanging precariously from a cliff at the end of the original Italian Job simply adopting a sudden American accent (let’s face it, odder things have happened in sequels – just take a look at Fast and Furious (2009)) or if this is an all-out remake. For the sake of argument and with the amount of utterly pointless references to the original movie such as Charlize Theron’s mini (regardless of the fact this is the later Rover-model) and Michael Caine’s Alfie on the TV screen (yet another British movie remade badly by an American director), I decided to just pretend it was a remake.

Gray's remake then, falls miserably short of the original. The cast itself is solid; Jason Statham provides adequate representation of British brilliance and charm, with his Caine-Croker’s cockney charisma with the ladies; Seth Green plays the role of complete computer geek – whose ridiculous amount of typing and lack of mouse grant him the film ability to hack into any pc or database he wishes without effort – amply. Charlize Theron plays the role of ‘heroin’ well with a refreshing lack of the near-nudity that normally fills Hollywood movies and Mark Wahlberg, whilst never an overly emotive or brilliant actor, does his normal adequate performance that helps the film move along. However, despite these strong character types and their ample on-screen chemistry, the plot fails to bring out its potential.

The plot itself is again, not brilliant; simply a typical, average heist film driven by a fairly basic revenge point. The movie’s opening heist however, set in Venice, is unique amongst movies; mainly because it is actually more thought out and well executed than the expensive, heavily directed, mini-orientated one that ‘justifies’ the movie. It features some fairly intelligent ideas - providing you don’t probe too deeply - and the boat-chase offers refreshing diversity from the every-day car scenes that feature in most movies. Sure, it might be lifted almost directly from Moonraker but we can pretend to ignore that for the film’s sake. What’s peculiar about it however is that, despite its over-arching effects on the plot, this five minute scene is the only reason that the movie can be called the Italian Job. The scene could have realistically occurred anywhere else with very little tweaking – if any – and only seems to have been devised to justify the title and the awful American tradition of mentioning the name of the movie within the story. Why then, is this even related to the original Michael Caine movie? It features three minis (the modern BMW versions, but minis nonetheless), the use of Croker and Bridger as names for two of the main characters, the mob – Ukrainian this time rather Italian Mafia - and a plan that involves using the traffic control systems of a city to steal some gold - but that doesn’t mean it’s a remake; it’s actually hard to name movies within specific genres without identical plot and prop twists and similarities.

I guess my main problem with this movie then is not actually the movie itself. The movie itself is genuinely not that bad. Not great, certainly, but nowhere near the same level of excrement that other sequels and remakes have reached in the past – yes I am pointing at you XXX2, that thing with Harrison Ford that went under the pretence of a fourth film, Shrek 3, Alfie, Clash of the Titans and all you Disney animation sequels….My main problem I think is the ‘Italian Job’ that’s latched on to the title like a cancerous parasite that sucked all my enjoyment out of it. Without it, the movie is, as I said, not that bad. It’s got a functional plot, an adequate cast that could have been brilliant, a good score and musical direction and enough ingenuity to entertain its audience. The Italian Job attached to it then seems to be merely another show from American film writers that they can do 'one up' on their English counterparts. With the new Mini cooper's giving him the excuse to 'update' the British classic, Felix Gray fails to realise that bigger is not necessarily better. It’s a shame he hadn’t used the new Mini Countryman to create an ‘Italian Job: Farmyard Robbery.’ That at least could have had some interesting scenery besides Theron.

Before I finish though, I want to go completely off the rails. Wrench. WHO WAS THAT GUY? A random Latino chauvinistic gearhead who appears two or three times throughout the film and served no purpose other than to apparently do some mechanical work that, to be honest, didn’t need to be mentioned – or at the very least, could have been done by a random extra or Handsome Rob; we didn’t need to know he’s a hopeless incompetent at stripping cars. He then later came in and ‘seemingly’ sold the rest of the team out (without wanting to give anything away here). Why did he even exist?